Slumber Strategy Group is delighted to announce the appointment of Mr. Pillow Von Snooze as Chief Sleep Officer, effective immediately, or as soon as he wakes up.
A Distinguished Career
Mr. Von Snooze has spent more than a decade at the forefront of the horizontal industry. He previously served as Head of Lying Down at a well known sofa, and before that as Senior Vice President of Warmth at a radiator cover.
Responsibilities
- Overseeing all company wide rest initiatives
- Chairing the monthly Sit Down Meeting
- Ensuring that no calendar contains an event before 10 AM
- Approving all napping policies
- Representing the firm at industry sleep events
Statement From the Board
“We are thrilled,” said our chair, Lady Hushwick, from beneath a blanket. “Pillow brings a calm, assured presence to every room, usually by lying in the middle of it. We are confident that he will raise our standards, or at least lower the lights.”
Statement From Mr. Von Snooze
Mr. Von Snooze, when reached for comment, gave a long yawn. The yawn has been interpreted by our communications department as enthusiastic acceptance.
First 100 Days
The new Chief will begin with a listening tour, which will take the form of lying near people while they speak. He will then deliver a strategic vision, which will take the form of a nap. Results are expected to follow.
About Slumber Strategy Group
Slumber Strategy Group is a consultancy that treats rest as a discipline. We help organisations achieve peak relaxation through structured stillness. Our motto is Rest Is a Discipline. We Make It Effortless.
Industry Reaction
The announcement was welcomed across the sector. A rival firm sent a basket of blankets. Another sent a note reading “Well done,” which was folded into a bed and used immediately. The wider public has been invited to view Mr. Von Snooze at the next board meeting, where he will be lying down, as usual.
This announcement is a parody. All persons named are cats, and some of them are cushions.