Dear Consultant, I am a seven year old tabby with a very busy schedule. Every morning, my family tries to get me up. They call my name, rattle a bowl, and open the curtains. I would like to tell them, firmly, that I am not getting up. How should I proceed? Signed, Immovable in Islington.
Our Reply
Dear Immovable, this is a common challenge, and one our firm has studied at length. The key is to communicate your intentions clearly while avoiding conflict. We recommend the following approach.
Step One: Establish a Boundary
Do not move. This is the clearest form of communication available to a cat. Your family will understand that you are not available, much as they understand that the weather is not available.
Step Two: Offer a Gesture of Goodwill
If your family persists, extend one paw from beneath the duvet and tap them gently on the hand. This indicates that you have heard them and have chosen to continue resting. It is respectful, but final.
Step Three: Use Humour
- Release a small yawn
- Let your tail flick once
- Roll over, slowly, in the opposite direction
- Produce a single, tiny snore
Step Four: Accept Compromise
If your family offers a treat, you may open one eye. If they offer a second treat, you may open the other. If they offer a third, you may wish to reconsider your position. A compromise, in the end, is a negotiated surrender, and surrender is a form of rest.
In Conclusion
You are entitled to your morning. You are entitled to your pillow. And you are certainly entitled to your opinion, which can be communicated by remaining in bed until it passes.
Yours in horizontal solidarity, The Consultant.
A Closing Thought
Remember, dear reader, that your morning belongs to you. The world will still be there when you wake, though it will probably have rearranged itself while you slept. That is the beauty of rest, and also its main inconvenience.
This column is fictional and offers no real personal advice.